


You are my Sunshine

by Fabuluos_Killjoys



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cancer, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Multishot, Raising money for cancer, Slow Dancing, You Are My Sunshine, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-21 00:27:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11932521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fabuluos_Killjoys/pseuds/Fabuluos_Killjoys
Summary: Phil has cancer, out of everyone on the planet why did it have to be Phil. These are the thaughts that go trough Dans head every night.But there is always one song left unsung, one verse left unplayed. one note left untuned.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cancer Council](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Cancer+Council).



> A/N- This story is for the cancer council, and for anybody who has lost anybody from cancer, is going through cancer, or has survived cancer. Every one of you are incredible and so inspiring. I wrote this because I am doing something called 'Relay for life' next month, If you don't know what this is it is where you walk around an oval for 24 hours to raise money for cancer. It is supposed to represent that Cancer never sleeps. 
> 
> anyway on with the story.  
> Warning- Major character death, Cancer

Dans POV  
Why? Why does it have to be him? out of every single person in the world, he deserved it the least. There are people out there who kill, people who steal, but he has never done anything to harm any living being, no matter how small, he loves everything and everyone, no matter what they do. So why, why does it have to be Phil. Why did such a horrible thing have to happen to the sweetest soul in the world? Out of everyone why did he have to get cancer?  
Lung cancer to be specific, he has primary lung cancer in both lungs, and the lymph nodes, and was diagnosed with Mesothelioma. We have known for about 5 months now, and he is still being treated, so far with many surgeries, and chemotherapy, but it's not like it has helped at all.  
When he got diagnosed, god how do I describe it? It was like, it was like someone had got a blunt spoon, and drove it into my chest over and over until they reached my heart, then started scooping it out, and mashed with a potato masher and put it back in my body, to put it lightly. I remember it so so clearly, I don't want to, I wish it never happened at all. I was crying more than Phil, actually Phil wasn't crying at all, he was just silent, sitting there like a dummy. And I was next to him, sobbing, and thinking, one day he will go, one day soon. I remember the doctor telling that if the medication doesn't work he will have about 9 months to live. 9 months that's all. So I prayed, I prayed to every religion I could think of, every person I look up to, Fuck I think I even prayed to Jennifer Laurence.  
Of cause we told the fans, not long after we found out, It was one of the hardest videos i've ever filmed, there where so many tears. The comments on that video where so thoughtful, so kind. People telling us how sorry they where, how much they wish it wasn't real, how we will always have a special place in their hearts. But they can't do anything, there all only just words, just lines of pixels on a screen, they can't help us pay for treatment, they can't help Phil get better. They can't help me when he's gone.  
Right now though, I am lying in Phil's arms, it's about 3am, and the man holding me is asleep, ever since we found out, I haven't had a proper nights sleep, sometimes only getting an hour for an entire week, of cause Phil doesn't know, I would never tell him, because he would just worry, And i don't want him to worry, he has so many of his own things to deal with. So instead I lie here, savouring every moment i can get with my lover. He will awake in a few hours, then fall asleep again at about 1pm, then wake up at 4, we will have dinner and go to bed at 9, and the proses repeats again. Of cause I don't mind in the slightest, I am just glad he is still here.  
By 5am I mange to get some sleep, only to wake up 2 hours later to Phil coughing. I sit up instantly, and place a hand on the black haired mans back, and rub softly, he has coughing fits a lot, but every time i still worry. I whisper soothing words to him over and over, until he has stopped coughing, and is now breathing heavily. He leans his head over slightly so it is resting on my chest, his breathing still deep. I rub slow lines up his arms, and pull him close at the same time. "Shh Phil, breathe for me alright, just breath sweetie" I say soothingly, rocking backwards and forwards slightly, my hand now running through his hair. Within five minutes he is sound asleep again, and I stop rocking, sighing deeply.  
Like I predicted he awoke again within the next few hours (9am). We both got out of bed, and he went to the couch, as I made us breakfast. Almost like a drone I open the fridge and grab the milk, fill and boil the kettle, get the box of crunchy nut out of the cupboard, and two bowls and two mugs. I pour the cereal into the bowls, then go and collect the hot water, outing it into the two mugs with tea bags in. Next I get the milk, and firstly pour it into the the cereal, then the tea, expertly grab all four items in my hands and take them out to the living aria, where I find Phil sitting on the couch browsing through Crunchy Roll. I sit down next to him, and pass him his various containers of food and liquid. "How do you feel about re-watching Deathnote?" I hear from beside me. I give a slight nod, and say 'yes' the best I can with a mouth full of cereal.  
As the 2nd episode ended, we have both finished our breakfast. I look over at Phil to see that he is clutching his ribs, and has a pained expression. I leap into action, and grab his shoulders." Phil are you OK? What's wrong?" at this Phil just giggles, and shakes his head a little. "I'm fine Dan, seriously, nothing out of the ordinary, stop worrying to much." This time it's my turn to shake my head. "Phil I'm your Boyfriend, it's my job to worry"  
Suddenly his face lights up in the biggest smile, and he jumps up off the couch and extends his hand to me, while placing the other one behind his back. "Why don't we dance?" he asks. I groan loudly, and throw my head back in disgust. "Dance? really Phil, you know how I feel about dancing!" His face starts to pout, and he pulls out the puppy dog eyes the internet of all to familiar with. "common Dan! Please? You can't have Dance without Dan otherwise it's just a Ce. Common, just one song, let's just finish one song?" I groan again, but take my boyfriends hand, as he pulls me up of out dark grey couch.  
He pulls me close, slipping both of his hands around my back, and resting his head on my shoulder, and I do the same. We start to sway side to side. And then quiet little voice in my ear, It's Phil, singing.  
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,  
you make me happy when skies are grey,  
You'll never know dear, how much I love you so please don't take my sunshine away"  
I sigh lovingly, and nuzzle my head feather into his neck, as we continue to sway.  
"You told me once, dear, you really loved me  
And no one else could come between  
But now you've left me and love another  
You have shattered all of my dreams"  
My gaze slowly moves down his frame, passing over his strong chest, his beautiful hips, lanky giraffe legs, and down to his feet, where I see his odd socks. Only Phil could manage to have such a vast sock collection, on one foot are narwhals, and on the other are candy cane, it's not even Christmas! I let out a little giggle, which makes Phil smile as he continues singing quietly.  
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine  
You make me happy when skies are gray  
You'll never know dear, how much I love you  
Please don't take my sunshine-" Suddenly the singing cuts off, and in its place are violent coughs and wheezes. Phil falls no the floor on his knees, and I drop down next to him, instantly terrified. It doesn't usually get this bad, I start rubbing his back, when a string of red leaves my boyfriends mouth.  
Blood.  
Shit.  
My hand instantly moves to my pocket and I pull out my phone. With shaking fingers, I manage to press the 'Emergency call' button on the home screen, and desperately hold it up to my ear, as it rings, I get an answer almost straight away. "Hello emergency services how can I help"  
I do everything I can to try and keep a steady voice, my eyes plastered on Phil as he falls farther into the ground, now a little red pool of blood below his face. "Yes, My boyfriend has lung cancer and is currently having some sort of coughing fit, and is coughing up blood, please send someone I need help." Of cause sir, can you please tell us your name, the patients name and the address?"  
I quickly tell her the information and hang up the phone by trusting my body not to drop it on the floor, even though that's the least of my worries.  
By the time the ambulance has arrived Phil has passed out, and I am nearly on top of him, trying to wake him by shouting his name, tears plastering and staining my already tear soaked face. One of the paramedics picks me up, and walks me to the front door, and the other two get phil on a stretcher, and carry him down the many many stairs.  
When we all get to the ambulance, the two of us and two of the paramedics are rushed into the back, and Phil is immediately connected to the IV equipment, and had a gas mask on. I can hear the beeping of the heart monitor in the background, as I desperately grab onto my best friends hand, begging, praying that he wakes up, that I get to see those beautiful eyes, the bluey- green colour of them. To see that smile again, the way he likes his tongue out when he smiles, the little adorable laugh, how he brushes his fringe out of his eyes when it falls in front of his face. I might never get to see any of these things again. All around me people are moving, talking, doing who knows what. The only thing I know now is that I can't do anything. no matter the outcome of this, I won't be able to change it. Suddenly through my tears and choking, I start to sing.  
"In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me  
When I awake my poor heart pains  
So when you come back and make me happy  
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame"  
I grasp Phil's hand tighter and clench my eyes shut, wishing, begging, praying, that this ends ok. That we both make it out of this.  
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine  
You make me happy when skies are gray  
You'll never know dear, how much I love you  
Please don't take my sunshine away"  
Suddenly a horrible blaring beep fills the room, and Phil's words flash in my mind. 'common Dan! Please? You can't have Dance without Dan otherwise it's just a CE. Common, just one song, let's just finish one song?'  
I instantly know what that beep means. It means that my begging and wishing and praying didn't nothing. Nothing at all.  
And then I realise something.  
We never finished the song.


	2. He didn't deserve this.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does Dan go through after Phil is gone from his life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to think you all for reading! I just felt like this needed another chapter, and me and my friend have been working on both Part two and Three, so i hope you enjoy this chapter, and shout out to Tumblr user Amazing-Phantrash for editing my first chapter, and writing this chapter!   
> Enjoy <3

I rub my eyes and stare at the ginger cat on the plaster white ceiling. I begin to chuckle at the scared little cat sticker, it slightly peeling making it look like the cat had a small white, emo fringe.   
“Hey. Phil look. It’s you in cat form.”  
No reply. I call again  
“Phil?”  
Then I remeber, I remeber what happned. The loud beeping, the continuous coughing, the song. That god dam song. Our last dance.   
I try my best to not look in the spot where he once was.  
“Say something.” I plead, barely audible if anyone was next to me.   
Suddenly I’m staring at the place my boyfriend was a couple days ago, coughing and wheezing while I rubbed his back. Helping him fight something he didn’t deserve. Something he would never deserve.   
Tears are a subject I’m very familiar with. Warm waterfalls, unwillingly leaking out of my eyes. Tears that dry up quickly, even when a few seconds later my face is wet again. Some that are just cold, one tear, dramatic almost. Dry tears was the one I went through the most.  
When you cry much, and you don’t have anymore tears left.  
I bit my lip, holding back my screams, screams of sorrow, screams of pain, screams of a life I didn’t want to live. The neighbors were worried enough. Checking on me because of my loud high pitched noises, and ear piercing wails. sending over casseroles and cookies because they feel bad and don’t want me to cook.  
I remember when me and Phil used to cook in the baking videos, in between the takes. Lots of kissing, and licking the batter off the spoon. Me being weird, and him encouraging me. We had to edit a lot out of those videos. But it was worth every second. Because he was there. Because Phil was by my side, smiling his adorable smile. And laughing his adorable laugh.  
‘You really need to stop making those noises.’  
'Then make me, Philly.’  
I smile remembering his lips smashing into mine, my tongue fighting for dominance as I scrambled behind his back to turn off the camera.   
“Phi-”  
I close my mouth shut, realizing that he wasn’t there. That he’ll never be here, and I’m alone. Without the one I love. Without the one person who could make me smile, and laugh. The one person who I could kiss, the one i could love, and never worry that they judged me.   
I stumble over the piles of trash and clothes on the floor, making my way to the kitchen and grabbing the biggest bottle of whiskey. It’s not enough, but it will do. It has to do.   
I just try to down it all, ignoring the burn that goes down my neck, to get rid of all the pain. All the things that we did together. To get rid of all the memories. I take another large gulp, the burning sensation making me feel worth something, like Phil is still here with me. I take a few more huge gulps and slam the empty bottle on the dirty counter.  
I start to remember all of the drunk memories we used to have.  
'Phil, k…kiss m-me. I wa-ant you.’  
'Dan, you’re drunk.’  
I obviously wasn’t drunk enough if remembered that.  
'N-no. Want you. Now. Kiss. Please?’  
I can vividly see Phil shaking his head no, trying not give in to drunk me and my antics.  
I remember my head diving into Phil, my teeth sinking into his neck, leaving dark marks on his pale skin. He melted into my touch, gasping and digging his finger tips into my hips.  
'Dan. Maybe not- Fuck. Dan.’  
I giggle and laugh as tears stream down my face. I feel like I’m going fucking insane without him. Maybe I am.  
And if so…there’s nothing wrong with it.  
As long as he’s here.  
I want to see him again. I need to.  
I run upstairs to my phone, feeling naked and idiotic without it. It’s like my second love.  
How can I even think that? How can I think that, this metal object is nothing compared to Phil.   
The dead battery sign shows up on my phone, and I throw it across the room, not caring what condition it was in.  
I slide down the bedroom wall and put my head into my hands. The tears started to flow once again, I don’t even question them anymore, just accept. Why did it have to be him? He was so loving, so innocent, so, so, so Phil. He didn’t deserve any of this. Not the illness, not the haters, he didn’t even deserve me, de deserved mo much better. I was so lucky, so lucky he chose me, out of everyone. And I loved him every second of every day. And that makes me think, that maybe it almost makes me worthy, almost makes us equal, but who am I kidding. Phil was to good for this world. And now he’s gone from it.   
Fucking gone.  
I look at the unmade bed and dirty room, that would’ve been clean if Phil was here. He would’ve told me that we needed to clean it.  
'Dan. We have to clean this room.’  
'Can we just cuddle in bed. Please? A little longer?’  
'You know I’ll forget if we cuddle in bed, and then neither of us will get up,’  
'That’s the plan.’  
'Well I guess that’s what we’re doing then.’  
I smile, curious why Phil let me win that time. The memory floods back, him kissing my head and his arms wrapping around me tight.  
'I love you, bear.’  
I get up, surprised I have enough energy to even move my arms, stumbling to the gaming room to check the computer for pictures of my deceased boyfriend.  
Didn’t think I would be saying that eight years ago.  
I sit down in the flimsy chair, having nostalgia from all the times I’ve fell off.  
'Don’t capture my shame!’   
I laughed at my past memory, before I realised, I shouldn’t be laughing. I can’t be laughing. I’m not aloud to laugh anymore. Phil was the one that made me laugh. But he’s gone.   
'Help me up you twat,“  
'I can help you with more than that.”  
'Did Phil mother-fucking Lester just make an innuendo?’   
I remember laughing at Phil’s behavior when the camera wasn’t on us. On screen and off screen was total sweetheart, but off screen, he never pretended to be innocent.  
I’m kind of glad I got that part to myself.  
I click through the files on my computer, with shandy hands. most of the time mis-clicking disregarding the photos of dogs and forever homes little droplets of water falling on the keyboard, from my still leaking eyes. I backtrack staring at the closed tab. I click on the tab and stare at the title.  
'20 places to propose to your totally awkward S.O.’  
And the tears continue. Harder.   
“Yes, yes, I will marry you Phil Lester, I want you to always be by my side,” I scream.   
I pound on the desk, my cries and screams loud and disturbing to the neighborhood, but I don’t care.  
“I love you,” I scream to no one while banging my head on my desk. “ I love you. I love you. I love you. Why. Why did this fucking happen. Why did yo leave.” I continue to scream, my voice contuesly being cut of by sobs. I wish we got married sooner. I wish I would’ve known sooner. There was so many things he wanted to do. But he couldn’t.  
I hear a soft knock on the door.  
“Go away unless you’re my dead boyfriend. Otherwise beat it bill collector,”  
I honestly don’t care. Turn off the power, or the gas, or my brain. Either one would be beneficial.  
“It’s Pj.”  
“And…?”  
“Can I come in?”  
“What did I just tell you? Have you ever listened to anyone a day in your life?” I say in an angry tone. My head still on the desk. PJ, along with Louise and Chris have keys to the flat, so they can come in at any time. This is one of the points where I wish they didn’t have one.   
Pj ignores my sarcasm and stupidity.  
He shoves the door open, pushing the piles of trash away with his foot, even the gaming room is a complete mess. In his hands is a brown bag, and a Caramel Macchiato.  
I remember our Starbucks couch, and going with Phil to Starbucks early on in our relationship.  
'Phil? Uh-h. I got this, don’t w-worry-’  
'Nope I’m paying. Don’t be nervous bear. If you don’t feel comfortable ordering then I got it.’  
I sighed at the memory as Pj brung over the large brown bag that smelled absolutely delicious and filled the dirty room. He hands the large cup filled of coffee, as well as the bag, and starts to clean up the messy room.  
“Why the fuck did you let this get so dirty? Jesus Christ, take care of yourself old chap,”  
Pj looks at me with joking look, but I give him a glare and go back the egg sandwich staring me down.  
“I’m sorry I’m late,”  
Louise says rushing into the door. She has at least five bags, but she places them down all near the door. What could she possibly have?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out our Tumblrs!   
> Me: Simon-the8thhorcrux  
> co-writer: Amazing-phantrash  
> Our joint Phanfic blog- Existential-Phans
> 
> Thanks and stick around for the third part :)


	3. Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final part.

She wraps me in a big giant hug. It almost reminds me of the day Phil came back from holiday.

‘Dan…I’m hom-’

I let another tear fall. I remember me jumping on him and giving him a giant hug, kissing his cold, dry cheek.

‘I missed you.’

'I can see that. You’re on my back and I left for a week.’

'Did you miss me though?’

'Of course I did. Is that even a question?’

More water droplets start to fall from my eyes as I remember all the memories we shared from the past years. I just hurts so much. There’s literally no way to describe it. 

“Dan? Are you okay?” Louise asks.

Did she just ask that? Did she just ask if i’m fucking okay? 

Pj’s head snaps in our direction quickly running over to me, rubbing my back in circles while I lean my head into Louise’s chest.

“It’s soft isn’t it? Yeah, I know.” Louise states.

I force at chuckle at the joke, it’s great they’re trying to make me feel a little better about everything, but all I want is Phil. All I ever want is Phil.

“Hey, um. Buddy, we could help you make a video. Help everyone explain why you’ll be off the grid for a bit…” 

Pj gives me a reassuring smile after he finishes the sentence and I shoot a pitiful half hearted smile back. 

I don’t say anything though, I just force a couple more bites of my sandwich and gulp down my Caramel Macchiato. 

I try to get up and walk to my recording room, but end up stumbling over air. Why am I even trying? I should just lie. Just lie in the same spot. Do nothing. Wait until Phil comes back. I know he isn’t. But I could still wait. Just in case. I mean it’s fun to fantasise right? Even if the fantasies are never going to happen. 

Suddenly a pair of hands, help me to the room, holding me up so that I won’t fall. I don’t like the hands. They’re not Phil’s and that’s for sure. I don’t know why, but I don’t remember setting up anything; I just see the red button glowing and know it’s starting to record. What do I even say? How do I even make any noise come out of my mouth? How am I suppose to say anything without a flood of water falling from my face. How am I supposed to act like everything is normal? It’s anything but normal. 

“Hello internet.” I swallow hard, and force the tears back, just a little bit.

“If you haven’t noticed, I look like a complete trainwreck. Eye bags, dirty clothes, the whole package. Am I right ladies?” I don’t even try to smile, or put on any funny voice. It’s all monotone. But do they really expect me to act, even the littlest bit entertained?

“Well, it’s been the most fucking shit year for me as you already know.” This is where they fall.

“And I have one lesson for you, praying to Beyoncé and Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t work for some dumbass reason.”

Trying to be funny. Trying to pull of a joke. But my face is straight. My voice dead, and my body rigid, not to mention the big red poofy eyes. I guess I’m just afraid to say what I have to say. 

“Phil. Phil. He…He’s. Well, he’s gone. He’s gone guys. I don’t know what I will do. So I may as well tell you everything. Since, this may be the last ever video and all.”

I have no idea how I am still talking. I look straight at the camera, knowing that I had to tell them sooner or later.

“Yes, we were in a relationship. Yes, we were going to get married,”

I bite my lip, and clench my eyes shut. As tight as they will go. Trying to think of anything but Phil. Anything. 

“I…loved him guys. And I know you did too. But it’s hard when someone you love, just isn’t there. There’s so many things that I don’t feel like doing anymore. Because he’s not by my side. I’m sorry, but for now, I’m going to stop making videos. I love you guys, but goodbye internet.”

Then I break. I’m actually suprised I lasted that long. But now I just crumble. Completely aware that the camera is still filming. I ball my fists in my hair, and sob. just sob. Completely done. Gone. I hear a little click and it’s obvious that Louise or PJ have turned off the camera. 

I don’t even edit the video, I just try to upload it quickly. So it’s done. So I don’t have to think, so I can tell my two guests to piss off. I love them but, I don’t want them, You know who I want. The one person I can’t have. 

Pj and Louise put their hands on my shoulder and massage them to relax me. But I don’t care. I don’t feel worth anything, I feel empty. I don’t feel like Dan. Who is Dan?

I shove their hands off me, running into the bathroom, throwing up into the toilet. I lock the door and continue to throw up uncontrollably. I want it to end. To end it all. Please.

Louise and Pj pound on the door but it all seems so distant, like if it was from a room away. All I could hear really was the pounding of my heart and my heavy breathing.

I hear Louise and Pj talking, but muffled. And suddenly, there was less knocks than before.

I open up the medicine cabinet, looking at the plethora of bottles we had. Not caring which ones they were, I try to open the bottles but can’t. I’m too weak. Too weak to even kill myself. I can’t ever see Phil again and I don’t know what to do anymore.

My knees began to buckle and the world starts to get darker, I’m scared but happy. Does this mean I get to see Phil again? He was the only one to keep me sane.

It was all a blur. Me slipping on the bathroom rug and banging my head against the tub before everything went dark.

And I woke up in a hospital bed.

-—-—-—-—-

3 years later~

After I came out of the hospital, I was under constant watch and wasn’t able to do much. But I realized that I needed to appriciate what he was, not be upset why he left.

I’m staring at pictures of Phil smiling on my phone, smiling back at him. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on, but I do think that I shouldn’t dwell on what happened. 

I was happy back then.

I should be happy now too.

I mean that’s what Phil would’ve wanted.

I’ve started making videos again too. Mostly going places, I’m not really making skit videos anymore. Sometimes playing the piano. Sometimes I play the song on the piano. It helps.

You know what song. Our last song, our last dance. 

I walk over to the new piano, white and shiny. I had planning to get one since Phil was alive, and it reminded me of the good times. Phil singing to the out of tune music.

I begin to play our song on the piano, thinking about Phil’s voice matching the notes. 

'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you, Please don’t take my sunshine-’

“Away.” I say out loud smiling.

I love him. I always have, and I always will. And one day I will see him again. But for now, I will live in his memory. Because that’s what he wanted. He doesn’t deserve it, he deserves so much more.

But sometimes it’s not about what you deserve. It’s about what you believe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou guys for reading this! I really appreciate the beautiful comments I've been getting!  
> Please check out my Phanfiction tumblr - Existential-phans  
> thanks <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thankyou for reading, and please leave a comment or kudos, thanks :) <3


End file.
